Recovery

I am having PTSD symptoms and I blame the Bar. I woke up soaked in sweat last night because I dreamed I was sitting with a bar examiner, watching her grade my essays. I kept watching as she continued to mark big red "X's" all over my papers. Then this morning at 5:30, my alarm went off. In my exhaustion last night, I forgot to disable it. I jumped out of bed (literally) and was so confused, trying to figure out where I was and what I was being tested on that day. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when I realized I was in my own bed.

We haven't unpacked because I pretty much came home, drank champagne, ate cupcakes and sushi (in that order) had some wine and went to bed. When I asked Mike today if he had any idea where my toothbrush was, he simply said that it was in his black bag. Wouldn't you know that comment somehow sent me into a fit of tears, heaving and sobbing on the couch. The reasoning was, he wouldn't help me find it?? Poor Mike. But I do think he knew I was a little crazy when he married me .

Finally, I just informed the pharmacist at the Wal-Greens that we will not be doing business with them anymore due to their lack of respect for their customers. That is a whole other story, but I have to find a new pharmacy. I think I should be fine in the next few days. I better. Mike's parents are coming on Tuesday and they cannot see me, or our house, in they condition that we are in!

Regardless, this thing is done. It was brutal. I only got 2 hours of sleep after the first day. I just couldn't sleep. I tried everything, but was still staring at the clock, wide awake, at 3 am. I got up that morning, threw up, and went and took the 6 hour, 200 question multiple choice test. (By the way - I can't remember if I wrote in that last post that someone also had a seizure during the first day and had to be taken out by the paramedics??) Anyway, I talked to my dad that afternoon who told me not sleeping was a horrible idea (in case anyone didn't know that.) Anyway. I went for a run and went to sleep. The funny thing is, the other kids taking the Bar were running around getting D-runk. It was like a college co-ed get away (one that I never partook in....)  I told you there was a complimentary happy hour - and they were taking full advantage. I really couldn't believe it, but somewhere in the back of my mind I was horribly thinking, "keep drinking! Maybe you will be too hungover to come tomorrow!" Mike actually called the front desk around midnight to complain that the kids in the pool were being really loud and keeping others awake. Sweet guy - I really think he was almost as stressed as I was. I don't think he slept much more than I did.

The last day was 12 essays - again, 6 hours. It is pretty much a time game, getting as much as you know written in some sort of a coherent manner. All I can say is, it's over. I don't know how I did, but I can honestly say I put up a good fight. The results come out early November. Three months. Aside from Wal-Greens, I haven't moved off the couch today. And I don't plan to.

All I want to do is take a minute and soak in just a few days of having nothing hanging over my head. No guilt if I decide I want to take a run, or God forbid, clean up around here. No guilt that I haven't put in the requisite amount of time at the library. No guilt in reading a book that doesn't contain law. I know that this is not life or death. I have done it before, and we all know, I have learned a lot in the past several years. I DO believe if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. But I also believe I have that lesson down as an art form, and now I would just like to be a licensed attorney please. (It makes me nervous even writing that down.) I am a little bit superstitious.

I remember one of my friends getting her bar results back years ago, when I was still doing social work. She was going on a trip and sat down in her seat on the plane. She told me that when the person next to her asked her what she did for a living, she was proudly able to say, "I'm an attorney." I'm ready for that.

So thank you to EVERYONE who has thought about me for even a second over the last couple months. Thank you for the texts, the emails, the phone calls, the cards, the flowers, the plants, the fruit (it's gone and I got in this morning) and the free hotel room. I love each and every one of you very much. (I'm going to start crying again.) This has to stop.

Also, if I haven't responded to your sweet messages, please know I am getting there. I have been thinking of you. I am also aware that owe several of you wedding and baby presents. Those are also now in my line of sight. Enjoy your weekend!! PS- Happy Dance Day tomorrow!!