When I was in college, my boyfriend cheated on me. We had been dating about a year when he called to report that he had slept with someone else. To say that I was shocked is an understatement, but as I began to try to make sense of the swirling emotions of this shock, anger and hurt, I was also trying to find a way to fix the problem.
"I need roses," I told him, and suggested that he come to see me that weekend. At the time, we were in a long distance relationship, but that Friday he drove to see me. We went to a fancy dinner and I listened to him tell me how the other girl meant nothing to him. He was drunk. It was a mistake. It would never happen again. I tried to convince myself that he was telling the truth. He had sent roses! What else did I need?
I listened to him for the next eight months, trying to convince myself that one indiscretion was ok. I defended him to friends who told me that staying with him was a horrible idea and even jeopardized friendships because I was too stubborn to admit that the people who had known me for years and had my best interest at heart, were right.
Eight months after the "incident" my boyfriend and I broke up because a crucial part of our relationship was gone. I could no longer trust him and that trust wasn't rebuilding itself even as time marched on. The lack of trust and eventual paranoia that I brought to every one of our interactions had turned me into someone I hated. Someone that was nothing like the person my boyfriend had originally started dating.
Why did it take me eight months to leave this relationship? We were not married. There were no children involved. I was only 20 years old. But I had convinced myself that I was going to marry this boy, and the thought of leaving that secure relationship and starting over in the dating world was terrifying. What if no one thought I was cute or fun or worth a first date? Maybe I really was crazy, as this boyfriend had told me over and over again.
The relationship ended and it took me a long time to rebuild my confidence. I was hardened, and it would take a very determined person to chip through the shell and prove to me that he was worth putting my faith in. As you may know, the story ends well, and I did meet someone who thought I was cute and fun and only the appropriate amount of crazy. Someone who was patient enough to deal with my hardened shell. Someone who cherishes trust in a relationship as much as I do.
In the wake of the Anna Duggar, Ashley Madison "breaking news" I have been thinking a lot about this time in my life. I know it's not the same - you can't compare a marriage to a college relationship. But everyone out there seems to have an opinion and I may as well throw my hat in the ring. Does Mrs. Duggar's decision to stay with her husband after learning of his infidelity make her a fool or more pious than most? My suspicion is that Anna Duggar has heard quite enough of our opinions as she questions her marriage and very likely, herself. That she is trying to figure out whether it is better for her to take her children and leave a man to whom she has devoted seven years of her life or continue to stay in a relationship, fighting to rebuild. Maybe she is thinking that after some time, she will be able to trust her husband again.
I read an article today suggesting that staying with a partner after he or she cheats shows grace and strength. I suspect the grace aspect of this is probably true. I could never quite allow myself to forgive my college boyfriend, and this eventually helped to destroy our relationship. But I can't agree that it takes more strength to stay in a relationship after enduring this type of indiscretion. The strength required to leave a seven year marriage built on faith is immeasurable. To stand up not only for yourself, but as an example for your sons and daughters, in order to teach them that this type of behavior will not be tolerated is an act of heroism.
As everyone on Facebook and the blogosphere continues to pray for Anna Duggar, my hope for her is that she will rediscover herself in the depths of this betrayal and make future decisions that are in the best interest of herself and her children. That she will rediscover that she is also a cute, fun girl that deserves to be respected. Whether this results in her staying with or leaving her husband is her choice, and really not any of my business.
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