I'm bossy. I always have been. But to Sheryl Sandberg's dismay, I work to correct my bossiness every single day.
If you ask my family if I am bossy, I'm pretty sure they would respond with a resounding "yes." In unison. Without pause. But at 33 years old, being "bossy" is not something I'm proud of. Recently, I have heard "Stop that way of thinking! Embrace your Bossiness!" and as much as I would like to jump on board, I'm not sure I am on the #banbossy train.
I was elated when I first heard about the #banbossy campaign. Finally, someone was standing up for girls like me! Girls who know that their way is the right way. Girls who are confident enough to lead without needing the input of others. But then I started thinking...is that really what I want?
Growing up as the oldest, I made sure that my opinion and voice was clearly heard. I was the teacher when my sisters and I played school, and I made up the rules to all our imaginary games. I led conversations at the dinner table while my parents worked hard to hear my sisters talk. I heard, "Jenny, why don't you let someone else talk about their day?" or "Jenny, I want to hear what Julia/Laura/ANYONE ELSE thinks about this" more times than I care to admit.
I loved being bossy and quietly patted myself on the back when I heard someone refer to me as such. There are great attributes attached to the word bossy. Confident, brave and strong come to mind. But , hearing the word "Bossy" also makes us take a step back and wave our red flags. Something not so great must also be going on. My sisters didn't follow my lead because they saw me as a confident 9 year old or a great leader. They did what I said because I was a bully. They knew that if they stood up to me, there was a high risk of me quitting, saying their ideas were stupid, or (on my worst days) slapping them. Those are not the attributes of a leader.
A LEADER inspires others by listening and carefully examining all options before making a decision. A LEADER is willing to admit that sometimes their way is not the right one. A LEADER makes others feel valued, acknowledged and respected.
My bossiness took a backseat at school (I think) because I was too intent on wanting others to like me. I recognized that the girls who led activities and were constantly demanding attention were often the central topic of gossip. To be clear, the gossip was not about what great leaders these girls were. It was about how they always wanted to get their way.
This #banbossy campaign has stirred a national conversation about semantics, and I don't think that was Mrs. Sandberg's intent. Yes, we need to teach our girls to believe in their opinions and also be confident enough to verbally express them. At the same time, we want to teach our girls to be empathetic, loving and good listeners. I work everyday because I don't want my family and friends to think that I am bossy. Yes, I want to get my way and have my opinion acknowledged. What I don't want is for people to appease me because they are scared of my reaction if I don't.
To me, the word bossy represents a controlling, bitchy girl unwilling to compromise. [I did not grow up with brothers, and was fairly awkward with boys for the majority of my adolesent life, so I am not going to argue about whether boys are ever called bossy. I don't have enough information]
BUT - Is banning a word the best way to encourage girls to speak their minds? I don't think so. What I do think, is that bossy is not a word I want to emulate. I do not hope that one day my kids will come home and proudly inform me that they have been labeled bossy. If they do, my husband and I will have to re-evaluate our parenting style. I actually hope that my future children will come home complaining that another has been bossy and they are feeling hurt, unheard or unappreciated. To me, these feelings of being ignored or unacknowledged offer a better opportunity to teach leadership than when someone consistently gets their way. To me, empathy, compassion and love are a much stronger foundation for a strong leader than being #bossy.
If you are searching for other opinions on this topic, check out:
http://iammrsfancypants.blogspot.com/2014/03/banbossy-campaign-gets-it-wrong-and.html
http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2014/03/i-dont-want-to-banbossy-but-i-will.html?m=1
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