Processing

We got back in town last night from Thanksgiving with my family. Lullabelle chose to hide in the basement until 6:00 pm Sunday night, which delayed our travel by a full day. I was not happy with our child, even though she is bouncing around our house now like she never left. We had quite a cast of characters this year for Turkey Day. My parents, both my sisters, my grandmother, Mike, three cats and a dog. Our house seemed to have shrunk since the last time we visited and continued to close in on me as the week progressed. Something just seemed "off" and at the time, I wasn't able to put my finger on one specific thing.

It didn't help that I got sick the day after Thanksgiving. I think some of my crankiness came from that, as well as feeling boxed in. At one point I told my mother we would be renting a hotel room next year. I think it hurt her feelings...I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

First things first. We didn't leave until 2:00 pm on Tuesday afternoon. Pretty much as soon as we pulled out of the garage, I decided to bring up "the talk" about where my husband thought we would be in three years. It was bad timing - I should have waited until we were on the road and had some time to settle in. But, we got that out of the way and were able to listen to the two "Thanksgiving 2011" CDs I created. Mike HATES Top 40, pop type music. He loves Radiohead, Pink Floyd and other bands that I don't understand. I'm more of a "bop along to whatever is on the radio" kind of girl. We definitely meet in the middle on some of the classics, but unfortunately those were not included on the hot new mix I made. I can assure you with 100% certainty that Mike is not a fan of Lady Gaga or Enrique Iglesias. (Katy Perry also did  not receive a high marks.)

Once we got to Birmingham, the girls geared up to make Thanksgiving dinner. I am extremely thankful that I have food on the table and a family that loves each other. I am thankful that my parents are still happily married after 36 years, and that I have wonderful sisters who I enjoy getting to know more and more everyday. I am thankful for my husband who is patient, kind, smart and funny - he surprises me with something new all the time. And I am thankful for my in-laws. You can't choose the family you marry into, and I definitely got lucky. Finally, I am so thankful for my grandmother. This is where things get dicey and really where the story begins.

I was trying to figure out why I broke down crying on our way back to Dallas. We tried to leave Birmingham, but I couldn't stop clutching my grandmother. She has already lost more of her memory since I saw her several months ago. I am terrified of the shell that I know she is going to become, because we experienced this illness with my other grandmother. I am so lucky to have a grandmother who is still around, but it is odd how quickly a relationship can change. I used to be able to talk to my grandmother on the phone about anything and she always had a wise "Grandma" answer or piece of advice for me. Let's face it - she has lived an eventful 80 years. So it is difficult for me to listen to her tell me three times that it is raining outside. Or to see how excited she gets when someone offers to take her to the grocery store with them.

I can tell how lost she feels, and how she is grasping at anything she can to feel in control of something. I hate that she can recite to me how her day will go, because nothing really eventful changes. Wake up, 2 cups of coffee, start her crossword puzzles or knit, until someone can go on a walk with her or let her tag along on an errand. She doesn't understand that she can't go too far alone because she might get lost. And she doesn't want to understand that she can't drive her car anymore because her mind is going - she believes it is because the doctors think she is losing her vision. The worst part is, if she knew that people were worried or saddened for her, she would be furious. She is the last person to need pity from anyone, so I am trying to be strong. But it's hard.

So we are back in Dallas. And as horrible as it may sound, it is a relief because my Grandmother is not right in front of me, reminding me of how sick she is. I will continue to think as positively as I can and to be thankful for the time I have with her. Hopefully, I can read this in a year and chastise myself for being overly dramatic.

So that was my Thanksgiving. Want me to come over to your house to help you get in the holiday spirit too?

It's Coming...and So Are We

The holidays are upon us. I have refused to listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving (even though it eliminates one of my favorite radio stations) and our "Fall" wreath (as opposed to the Christmas one) is still up.  As another blogger wrote, "November?!?!?! If you are like me, you are experiencing a slight state of panic (right on cue at this time every year) because Thanksgiving is 2 weeks away and Christmas is about 6 weeks away...yikes."  [Taken from Ginger Watkins @ "All These Things"]

Obviously she updates her blog more often that I do, but that is the general feeling around here. I always freak out around this time, dreaming of Christmas lists, Christmas cards and budgets. (Except for last night when I dreamed someone told me I looked like I had gained 30 pounds. How mean! I think I have some guilt from not working out very regularly...)  I digress.

For some reason, I am feeling strangely calm this year. Maybe it's because December isn't actually here yet, or maybe it's because I am starting to let go of some of the things I can't control. If I have learned anything this year, it's that as much as I try, I can't control life. I know Mike has been integral in this realization... he is one of the most relaxed people I know.  And so, while I listen to the dryer run and recognize that no one is packed even though we are leaving for a 10 hours drive today, I am not freaking out. We will get to Birmingham....even if it is late.

So. I didn't pass the bar. And it's ok. I have worked through it and while I am not going to go into all the details on this blog, I think it may actually be for the best. I'm not going to take it again in for awhile - it exhausts me to think about it. At some point I think I have to recognize that there may be other options for me than the traditional practice of law. And not my original response to finding out I didn't pass. With no tears in my eyes (I think I was in shock) I looked straight at my husband and said, "That's fine Mike. We are just going to have lots of babies."  (Made no sense at all, but he let it slide.) Thankfully, the attorney that I am working for is amazing and didn't fire me. He has been so wonderful as a boss and a teacher. I'm not sure that I have ever had someone truly care that I understood what I was doing, and that makes a big difference!

Ok...I am not sure were this post is going, and I think it is probably more therapeutic for me than exciting for you. I think my point was, I am excited about the holidays. I truly cannot wait to get in the car, spend some forced quality time with Mike and see my family. My Grandmother is in town, and there is nothing I could more thankful for right now than her health. 

I am looking forward to Christmas and ALL the DIY presents I have planned. (Ha! Do you want me to cross you off the list?)  We'll see how that goes.  I will have to write another post about how I already received my Christmas present...a new phone! (It didn't got as smoothly as it may sound, but I am quite happy with the Droid Charge!) Also, we sold our condo in St. Louis! 14 months on the market, but we hope to close December 7. Merry Christmas! I will leave you with some recent pictures and plan to update more frequently - I promise!

Below: Mike's mom came to visit on her way to CA to celebrate her 21st birthday. She is not holding a baby - that is a bear that sings "Happy Birthday." All. The. Time.

This was Mike and my's first attempt at carving pumpkins together. It also looks like a scene out of "Dexter."

The finished product. PS - pumpkins rot a lot more quickly than I ever knew!

Happy Holidays!

(This picture is from June 2010.  We don't get out much.)